It's been a long night.

It is now almost 5:00 in the morning, Jeeeez. Tonight has been pretty swell I think, I just spent the last 7 hours talking to two of my best friends about everything, god does it feel good to unload. Since about 9:00-ish, I'd been on edge because my best friends like to smoke and of course I got all bent out of shape about it, walked away, played the guilt card, that sort of thing that just frustrates me to pure bitchiness. That's what initiated this deep conversation. So while my friends are smoking, I'm walking back to the house all pissed and such, and a couple minutes later they come back inside. Now, I'm trying to restrain the side of me that ends up saying hurtful things and is ALWAYS too proud to apologize. They walk in and ask if I'm mad. I walk off into my room still holding back. One of my friends follows and just can't understand why I got like this, and frankly, I can't either. I'd like to think I'm pretty easy going about a majority of things. So she starts telling me how it's her choice and I know that and how it helps her cope with the stress she harbors and no matter how much I try I can't change what she or my other friend do. So I start getting hot headed again and start crying saying how I wish I didn't care about the whole drugs, alcohol, smoking deal and just wanted to know why I couldn't stop doing this, I had tried just to turn my back on stuff like that, but it just gets to me. I worry about losing my friends to things like this because I saw my father succumb to these things. So this friend of mine is just naturally good at analyzing situations and behaviors of her friends. My dad. Someone who I cared about and loved like I do my friends, who would've died because of alcohol if he hadn't died five years earlier. I had thought about that as a reason for my behavior before. Sometimes its just the most obvious answer. I thought about it again and it just made a lot of sense. I still was flustered and my friend convinced me to sit down as we started talking about my dad. Of course I got emotional about that because generally, it can be a sensitive topic for me to talk about. This time, it felt better to talk about after all was said and done because my friend had lost her dad four years before I did, it's easier to talk to people who relate on certain things. Then we talked about our middle school years, what we missed, what we hated about it, teachers....It went on to talk about love interests, mothers, academics, next year, body language, bad experiences, memorable highlights from the year, what we feared, people/places/things that irritated us, what we wanted but didn't...there is a lot more, but I won't go on. The point is that it was the longest, most relieving, intellectual, meaningful, understanding conversation I have had in quite some time, and once more, what made it better was that I had two of my best friends to talk to. I thought about things I hadn't much thought of before or hadn't thought about in a long time, heard new insights that made a lot of sense, and began feeling better than I have. Deep conversations are just great, doesn't matter if you’re having it with one friend, two, a group of friends, because you know that while you're talking, people ACTUALLY are listening and are there. I love deep conversations and would like to have them more often....that by the way is an open invitation :)

So that's my ramble, tonight has been pretty uplifting and enlightening and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thanks for reading. Time for bed!

What did I dream last night?

I had this constant thought in my head as I've been growing older, why can't I ever remember my dreams anymore? This thought makes me sad, there will be mornings were I will wake up, and feel genuinely good so I know I just woke up from a good dream. I search my memory, can't pick up anything! And yet again I say shit. I liked having dreams, especially, you know, those ones I could recollect! I just miss them...Now occasionally, I can remember a dream I've had and it will actually remain fresh in my memory for more than a second after I wake up, but there's always a problem with them. This one dream I had almost a year ago, I was on a subway car, and I remember it was me and two of my friends that were on the car. friend number two looked sad as friend number one and I smiled at each other. Ok to begin with, tell me what's wrong with that? I don't know who these two were in my dream! Oh and it gets better...So friend number two is still looking sad, but then friend number one and I grab her by the arms and lead her through the next doors with her eyes closed. The doors close behind us, then we tell her to open her eyes. She does, and the sadness she had vanishes, in it's place is a huge smile as she runs over to this guy in a tux. A tux? Ok the dream goes on to have friend number one go over to this other guy in a tux. Then I look around me and see decorations in white, little flowers and lace pinned up all around the subway car....ok....Then I go over to this guy, and in my conscience mind, I'm feeling pretty good right now because the guy takes me and kisses me, I smile at him. Well then that scene ends, I find myself kind of, poking a red wall. The guy I kissed is behind me saying, "Get away from the wall, Beth." He sounded concerned, but I was still facing the wall and now with my full palm smacking the wall, I say to him, "I have to see if It's solid." So I start leaning into the wall, by then the guy was more than a few feet away from me as if he anticipated my actions, and jumps in front of me pushing me back, only to end up falling through the wall himself. In my mind, my emotion jumped to fear. Then I end up running down this glass stair case and end up right beside him. He's hunched over in pain, looks at me, immediatly I embrace him and he starts crying....saying I love you over and over. WELL JEEZ. What a dream, right? Well I wake up, Hey! I remembered one of my dreams! I was feeling pretty nifty. Then when I try to remember the guy.....NOTHING. DAMN IT! Couldn't remember the face!!! Well that figures! Ever since, It's kinda been a monkey on my back along with this current dream of mine that I've already had THREE times this past week and it is actually pretty painfully frightening for me. I'm in my house, my room to be more specific, and I'm reading. I stand up, put the book down and head to the kitchen for a glass of water. I go to the cupboard for a glass, turn, and there's my dad....the glass shatters and I stand there tearing up in disbelief, I could feel my sleeping self crying. He looks at me, says, "Jesus! Why'd you do that?!" I just look at him saying to myself, "How is this possible?" "Am I being punished?" Then I think, maybe his death has all been a long, horrible, dream...He stands up and says, "Well? What's wrong?" I snap out of my stuper and hug him while crying heavily. He sounds concerned saying, "Sweetie, it was only a glass. I'm not mad, please don't cry!" Then I tell him I thought he had been dead for eight years, he calmed me down to the point where I explained in detail what I thought I had happened to him. Then he told me, "Beth, it was all just a bad dream. I'm planning to stick around for quite sometime, if thats ok with you." He smiles. I just hug him again and think how horrible that dream was. All of the sudden, we hear a thump on the front door. We walk through the living room, and he opens the door. It was one of his alcoholic friends again, but this time he looked mad. Then he pulled out a gun, BANG. My dad is down! I feel my sleeping self cry even harder. I quickly shut the door and lock it, I can't drag my dad out of the doorway to shut and bolt the next door! I start crying and screaming hoping maybe my brother heard the noise and would come up stairs to help me. Nothing. I have to leave my dad in the doorway. I have to shut the next door. I then lock it and make a quick grab for the phone...the line is dead. I can't call cops, ambulence, my mom, no one. I then see a shadow behind my parents bedroom window and it's him. He's trying to get in, and there's no door for me to shut, my parent's room just has an archway. I start screaming and panicing. I feel alone and scared and I'm losing my dad all over again. Then I see the shadow disappear, and then re-appear at MY bedroom window. I can see through a hole in the curtain he has a rock, and it will shatter my window easily, it's old glass. I go in to histarics and can't scream anymore, I'm terrified. I see his shadow motion to smash the window...and.....the dream ends, and I wake up in a cold sweat. I don't know what the more painful part of the dream was, having my dad back then him getting shot, or waking up and realizing I never had him back. That was the most painful dream I've EVER had. The problem here? I can sometimes remember dreams, but there either scary and/or painful, or I'm missing vital parts of it. I would like to be able to remember one completely good dream, the last one of those I had was when I think I was 11, but there's no way of knowing for sure. I want one good dream. Does this happen to anyone else, or is it just me? The question still remains, why can I no longer remember my dreams?

Looking back on this year...

Have you ever had the feeling that something is going to be great, that you just felt it in your gut? Well that's how I felt about this year going into it. But really, I gotta say, With certain things, I was pretty let down. This year actually started out with enough steam when we began rehearsals for the fall musical and all, but then the year went on. After the performance and all that crazy media coverage, we were all feeling pretty good I imagine. But I believe that it was right before the musical or after that we took a trip to the shakespearian festival. I had it in my mind that this was going to be great, but it truely was a dramatic disaster! Certain people, were being incredibly stupid and making other people feel like shit, including me I'll admit, others were just pretty unaffected by all of this crap...they were lucky. So here I was, thinking I was going to have the time of my life, but instead feeling like nothing thanks to certain people. It took a good friend of mine to pull me out of my slump, and make me realize what a tool these people were and how I was better than that and it wasn't worth my time and feelings. He saw I was upset and stepped in, giving me great advice and just making everything seem alright. You know who you are, and I just want to say thank you. You did a great thing for me, and if it wasn't for you, I be one of those dumb people who was upset all the time because of another stupid person. Overall, I was just glad that it ended, though it hadn't been all bad I have to say. As the year progessed, I caused some bad feelings between a few friends and myself, which I'm not proud of at all. There were quite a few points were I thought people were mad at me but weren't I found out later but I still didn't feel that great. I was experiencing some severe depression and negativity through out this year ande harboring things I wanted to really wanted to say, but ended up fumbling over my words and feet everytime I even thought about it. Eventually I said the things I wanted to, and I realize that I feel much better about things, I just wish I said it all sooner. A month or two pass, and "Take 5" is upon us. I HATED IT. To begin with cause a certain director, she wasn't a bad person, it just seemed like she didn't care about us and didn't know what she was doing. The role I had this year, was pretty amazing I think. It made me realize that I was versatile and could do something besides comedy. I was not only doing a dramatic play, I was also playing a dead, seventeen year old boy! In the end, I loved it. I thought that the year before had been great, and it was thanks to my director then. But this year was even better towards the end. That then brings us to, the end of the year. AARG! I had been pretty sad about the end since before the beginning, it just came so damn quickly. My older friends were seniors and they were graduating, but I wasn't all that sad anymore. I knew it had to happen eventually, so I was more excited for them than anything, and proud. But then came senior wills night. Oh god. I've never been so happy, so sad, yet so hopeful in all my life....and all at once too. At the end of the night, inside, I was beside myself. On the outside, I was sobbing like everyone else. I had recieved two senior wills from two seniors, who kinda kept me going on in the year, so again, thank you. Looking back, this year wasn't all that bad, it definatley wasn't what I expected at all! I mean, I almost quit theater altogether! That would have been a HUGE mistake. But the question is, how do I think next year is going to be? I honestly don't know yet, but one can hope...even though it's junior year and it's said that's the worst year of highschool above all. At least I can say, that I can count on the great friends I made and that they're almost always there for me. Next year? I'm totally ready, bring it on.

I AM a mess.

I am flawed...who isn't though? My flaws however get to me a lot, like how I'm practically straight edge, or how I tend to draw drama into something good that happens to me AND how I get ridiculously jealous about stupid things. I just wish I didn't care so much about what people do or think and I wish I didn't complicate things (thanks to my paranoia), but I am what you might know as "human". I have issues, but I try not to let them interfere in my life and friendships. I can be normal occasionally or what my definition is of normal. But sometimes, other factors come in. There are times when I get completely unterely depressed for no reason I know of which leads to bitchyness, then I become cinacle about...well everything. Things I love, don't love. People I love. The universe and all inhabitants. I come to the conclusion that the entire being of the world is shitty and it will never get any better. I HATE it when I get this way. When I get in that state of mind, I hurt people and then I am too proud to apologize. The reasoning in my head knows I should, but 88% of the time, I never say sorry. Oh hey! Another problem, I'm pretty dam emotional. My feelings get hurt pretty easily and I cry. Oh....Let me tell you about tears, I've come to see them as my enemy in certain situations. I mean, I recognize that it's healthy to cry when necessary, but I truely hate it. Crying in front of people, even worse in my mind. Due to how my emotions have overcome me, I see crying sometimes as a sign of weakness though I know damn well it isn't. I honestly don't know why, but I'm pretty messed up. I JUST realized this. And now, TA DA! I have it as my first blog post. Sorry for the negativity but in the end, it will help me better myself. From this moment on after this is posted, I will try to think more on the positive side. I will try not to let my lack in self-confidence, mood swings, need to be in control, and depression do what it has done to me.

I am a beautiful, expressionistic, caring, intelligent, outgoing, authentic, humorous woman of light. I will recognize this more often in my life at my low times. This is who I am.

Who are you?