It is now almost 5:00 in the morning, Jeeeez. Tonight has been pretty swell I think, I just spent the last 7 hours talking to two of my best friends about everything, god does it feel good to unload. Since about 9:00-ish, I'd been on edge because my best friends like to smoke and of course I got all bent out of shape about it, walked away, played the guilt card, that sort of thing that just frustrates me to pure bitchiness. That's what initiated this deep conversation. So while my friends are smoking, I'm walking back to the house all pissed and such, and a couple minutes later they come back inside. Now, I'm trying to restrain the side of me that ends up saying hurtful things and is ALWAYS too proud to apologize. They walk in and ask if I'm mad. I walk off into my room still holding back. One of my friends follows and just can't understand why I got like this, and frankly, I can't either. I'd like to think I'm pretty easy going about a majority of things. So she starts telling me how it's her choice and I know that and how it helps her cope with the stress she harbors and no matter how much I try I can't change what she or my other friend do. So I start getting hot headed again and start crying saying how I wish I didn't care about the whole drugs, alcohol, smoking deal and just wanted to know why I couldn't stop doing this, I had tried just to turn my back on stuff like that, but it just gets to me. I worry about losing my friends to things like this because I saw my father succumb to these things. So this friend of mine is just naturally good at analyzing situations and behaviors of her friends. My dad. Someone who I cared about and loved like I do my friends, who would've died because of alcohol if he hadn't died five years earlier. I had thought about that as a reason for my behavior before. Sometimes its just the most obvious answer. I thought about it again and it just made a lot of sense. I still was flustered and my friend convinced me to sit down as we started talking about my dad. Of course I got emotional about that because generally, it can be a sensitive topic for me to talk about. This time, it felt better to talk about after all was said and done because my friend had lost her dad four years before I did, it's easier to talk to people who relate on certain things. Then we talked about our middle school years, what we missed, what we hated about it, teachers....It went on to talk about love interests, mothers, academics, next year, body language, bad experiences, memorable highlights from the year, what we feared, people/places/things that irritated us, what we wanted but didn't...there is a lot more, but I won't go on. The point is that it was the longest, most relieving, intellectual, meaningful, understanding conversation I have had in quite some time, and once more, what made it better was that I had two of my best friends to talk to. I thought about things I hadn't much thought of before or hadn't thought about in a long time, heard new insights that made a lot of sense, and began feeling better than I have. Deep conversations are just great, doesn't matter if you’re having it with one friend, two, a group of friends, because you know that while you're talking, people ACTUALLY are listening and are there. I love deep conversations and would like to have them more often....that by the way is an open invitation :)
So that's my ramble, tonight has been pretty uplifting and enlightening and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thanks for reading. Time for bed!
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