There are things we never forget.
Things that hurt us way back.
People who hurt us, and to this day have no idea how badly we can torment ourselves over
something that to anyone else would be easy to move on from.
And the things that reopen said wounds, are seemingly meaningless, but to someone like me,
could mean the end of my happiness altogether.
I used "we" before but of course I'm referring to myself.
Just when I think I've coped with the one thing that loomed over me for too long, a very stupid
thing I might add, I am set off, as if to test me, to see if I'm lying to myself or some shit like that. Back to feeling old pain.
I know it's easy for people to convince themselves that they are ok. But what does ok mean? Wearing a fake smile and being "happy" when really inside you're all torn up in ways you
thought weren't possible.
Truth will supposedly set us free right? Well maybe it's time I took that to heart. Of course
though, I wouldn't do that through a blog. One's full problem is to themselves, not to the world. (If that makes sense.) But I will be vague.
Since we met, I was blown away. I always thought how amazing it was that any one person could sink into me like that. The next year, you gave me a gift. Something amazing that I still think about and feel that same warmth inside, as if it were happening all over again. But then come the next year, I would feel so low that I wonder if I will ever pull through, as if I'm standing in the street, vulnerable, and then I'm hit. The next year, I don't see you and it gets easier to let go, though I say I will always have a special place in my heart for you, it is still filled with sadness and the thought; what's wrong with me. Recently, you described a "hell" you went through and I listened. As I listened, the things that hurt you were the things you did to me not so long ago, and I can't help but be angry that you still haven't connected the dots. Now it comes to this, and to think that I am fortified, strong, rebuilt...is foolish. I see you in that small way that would ruin me all over again though I would conceal it from the others so not to show how badly hurt I am, so as to just let it out when I'm alone as always, suffer in silence. Now my thoughts are clouded with anger, not at you though. More than anything, I'm angry with myself that I would let you, who doesn't see me whatsoever, get to me after so long. It's shit. I pride myself on my strength, but it fails me. Because I can't allow myself to be free.
I wish I could be more like you. So that when I look at you, I would feel nothing.
That's how I imagine you feel when you see me.
That's all I can say right now.
Sorry if this bums you out, but as always thanks for reading.
It's relieving in a way.
Not the biggest way, but with each small bit of relief, maybe I'll get there eventually.
Night. Until next post.
-Beth
*SONG OF THE MONTH*
"Blue Eyes" by Timmy Curran
(Sets a happier tone)
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