This year, is going to be awesome. I've been reconnecting with theater buds that I didn't think I'd be seeing outside of school this summer, but low and behold I had an awesome night hanging out with a smallish group of them and it just renewed my faith in theater, school, friends and such. AND I'm in a little thing called....PRODUCTIONS! That I am especially excited for and just how mellow and smooth things will hopefully, probably be like in the drama department this year, yes!
This last year, HECTIC-DRAMATIC-KIND-OF-PIECE-O-CRAP-AT-TIMES. It's true, this last year I ALMOST didn't sign up to do theater and If I really hadn't,I'd be kicking myself mentally right now and be upset as hell. SO thanks to all of my buds who took the liberty of spreading the word and just telling me that I was doing it even if I didn't want to, I really appreciate you guys.
So keeping this one short, I just am psyched and say that I'm ready for Jr. year and whatever it may hold for me.
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(P.S. Does anyone even read this? Just curious, only ONE comment and it's from someone I don't even know, come on guys really :)
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
When You Think "What if..."
There are always things you want redo, like saying something differently, or bad things that could've been avoided if only you knew before, regrets in other words. This is a road of travel that I'm particularly familiar with. I'm always living in the past. Something great will come my way and then go and yet I'll cling to it for a year or two thinking what I could've done better, just holding on to something that wasn't even that big but seems bigger in your head. What if I could redo this?
For example, Take 5 "07". I swore that I would never come down from that cloud, it was kind of my break from the norm, I was doing something different and the rush I got from it was indescribable. I was apart of something and truly felt welcome and accepted, it felt like a tight group of friends that just from watching each other grow, that right there made up a family. Well god, if I didn't think that was the greatest thing EVER. I would bring it up to my old director and others around me and just say, wasn't that the greatest Take 5? I will admit, it defiantly made me stick with theater because of that feeling of acceptance and also put me way out of my comfort zone, this was great. But I held on to it until the next Take 5 and after that, it just didn't seem like a big deal. But constantly, I toyed with the thought of how I could have made my part better, said my lines differently, and then I'd begin to doubt that It was ever a big deal at all and that I didn't do as well as I thought I did.
It's things like that that I'm afraid of losing, like I'll never feel that way again.
Well now I come to, What if I had said this better?I was talking to my friend one night and said something big that later I wanted to die for. I felt like THE biggest idiot. I swear, I must have thought over what I was going to say a million times a day, but it just didn't come out the way I wanted it to. I start thinking, maybe I thought it over too much? I was at a loss for words where the most important things I wanted to say should've been. Well probably, but I felt like a fool and wished I had said something sooner, not said it at all? I just didn't know. After I had said it, I was really sad with the end result, but realized that I did pretty good considering the circumstances. But I still couldn't help thinking, What if I had said it differently? Would things be different, or even better for our friendship now? It's the one thing that I really wish I could've had a second shot at.
Finally, the thought always raging in my head...What if I could go back with the knowledge I have now? This one is a constant struggle for me because I have two different ways I go about it. My dad passed away in August of 2001 when I was eight. My wish ever since then is that I could have him back, even though now I am competent enough to realize that won't be a reality. I wonder if maybe I had known somehow, and if there was some way to go back to that night, could I have saved him? This is among the most typical thought for people I imagine when they lose those that they love. I think that because I want him back, he was my dad after all. But really, if given the chance, would I? If he was still alive, I wouldn't be who I am or for that matter, where I am entirely today. My parents would probably be divorced, and I think that would've messed me up more. If he was still here, I'd be completely different and wouldn't have what do. So as harsh as it is, maybe it was better that he's gone. As much as I want him back, I can't have him back anyway and he is also no longer in pain, he's at peace. And that there is what kills me. Two different ways I could turn, the will I? The I won't. I flip back and forth between this, and I honestly don't know what I'd rather have. The life I have now, or a life with my dad. I've always held on to the wish of seeing him again someday, always held onto it a little too tight. But that really is what I do. I'm afraid of moving on, letting go, and leaving well enough alone.
I know eventually I move on, I just want it to go faster! :)
So what if......you fill it in. Maybe whom ever who is reading this doesn't think that enough. Well toy with it, but not too much or you'll hang on to things past as well. I will admit though,
It's strange and fascinating to think about those alternate turns, but also in the end, to be happy with life as it has played out so far, it's not over yet.
For example, Take 5 "07". I swore that I would never come down from that cloud, it was kind of my break from the norm, I was doing something different and the rush I got from it was indescribable. I was apart of something and truly felt welcome and accepted, it felt like a tight group of friends that just from watching each other grow, that right there made up a family. Well god, if I didn't think that was the greatest thing EVER. I would bring it up to my old director and others around me and just say, wasn't that the greatest Take 5? I will admit, it defiantly made me stick with theater because of that feeling of acceptance and also put me way out of my comfort zone, this was great. But I held on to it until the next Take 5 and after that, it just didn't seem like a big deal. But constantly, I toyed with the thought of how I could have made my part better, said my lines differently, and then I'd begin to doubt that It was ever a big deal at all and that I didn't do as well as I thought I did.
It's things like that that I'm afraid of losing, like I'll never feel that way again.
Well now I come to, What if I had said this better?I was talking to my friend one night and said something big that later I wanted to die for. I felt like THE biggest idiot. I swear, I must have thought over what I was going to say a million times a day, but it just didn't come out the way I wanted it to. I start thinking, maybe I thought it over too much? I was at a loss for words where the most important things I wanted to say should've been. Well probably, but I felt like a fool and wished I had said something sooner, not said it at all? I just didn't know. After I had said it, I was really sad with the end result, but realized that I did pretty good considering the circumstances. But I still couldn't help thinking, What if I had said it differently? Would things be different, or even better for our friendship now? It's the one thing that I really wish I could've had a second shot at.
Finally, the thought always raging in my head...What if I could go back with the knowledge I have now? This one is a constant struggle for me because I have two different ways I go about it. My dad passed away in August of 2001 when I was eight. My wish ever since then is that I could have him back, even though now I am competent enough to realize that won't be a reality. I wonder if maybe I had known somehow, and if there was some way to go back to that night, could I have saved him? This is among the most typical thought for people I imagine when they lose those that they love. I think that because I want him back, he was my dad after all. But really, if given the chance, would I? If he was still alive, I wouldn't be who I am or for that matter, where I am entirely today. My parents would probably be divorced, and I think that would've messed me up more. If he was still here, I'd be completely different and wouldn't have what do. So as harsh as it is, maybe it was better that he's gone. As much as I want him back, I can't have him back anyway and he is also no longer in pain, he's at peace. And that there is what kills me. Two different ways I could turn, the will I? The I won't. I flip back and forth between this, and I honestly don't know what I'd rather have. The life I have now, or a life with my dad. I've always held on to the wish of seeing him again someday, always held onto it a little too tight. But that really is what I do. I'm afraid of moving on, letting go, and leaving well enough alone.
I know eventually I move on, I just want it to go faster! :)
So what if......you fill it in. Maybe whom ever who is reading this doesn't think that enough. Well toy with it, but not too much or you'll hang on to things past as well. I will admit though,
It's strange and fascinating to think about those alternate turns, but also in the end, to be happy with life as it has played out so far, it's not over yet.
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