Complexities

Did anyone expect life when you're older to entail this much?
I know I didn't, I was a free-wheeling-half-crazed child...god I miss that.
This month has been beyond me if that makes sense. I feel like I'm drifting through everyday.
Its all so much to take in at once, and when you're someone like me, who feels like they should always have it together and then ultimately loses it, life is just like driving through thick fog. You can't see what's ahead and you just try to get through it as fast as possible hoping that soon you'll be in the clear.
I'm feeling not myself and I now ask this question;
Was who I was before me? Or is this feeling trying to jolt me awake to see who I really am?
Maybe this is just nerves but as I said, it feels endless.
Big decisions always get me like this; there's a long feeling of sadness, then nothing.
Weird right?
Well it just takes time. Time for some re-discovery, scary shit let me tell you.

That's all I have to say for now.
Until next time.

-Beth

*SONG OF THE MONTH*
"Society" by Eddie Vetter
(New thing I'm doing)

The worst thing you can do...

...Is hurt someone you care about. But life is sad like that, it's unpredictable and you sometimes can't help how you feel.
I can't even begin to say how much I hate myself for what happened and I'm so sorry.
I hope someday you can forgive me.

-Beth

Hello Again. Hello :)

Hey I'm back. Did you miss me? Probably not :)
Anyway just recapping what's going on in my world right now---

Ok so this last week....
My friend Penny and I were walking through what was formally Wild Oats, ready to leave when a woman calls over to us to see the hair accessory my friend created for herself; a birdcage veil. I thought for sure this woman would make a compliment about the hair piece and we'd be on our way. But actually she had us sit down to discuss a business proposition. She owns this very crazy eclectic store and pieces such as the one my friend made have been in high demand, so on the spot she offers us a wall for which to display a collection of our hats. Well I'll be damned....we both were so pleasantly stunned that we had nothing to say. And well truth be told, I had no part in making the birdcage veil. She had us write down our info and gave us her card and then excused us. The second we got out of the store we were so giddy with excitement and the creative juices were flowing. We have so many great ideas that this could turn out to be a great business, who knows? :) All I know is I'm SO excited to get this off the ground!

In more not-so-random news, I'm 12 days away from starting COLLEGE. Damn. And still so much to be done. It's nice though because I have an amazingly chill schedule; The Universe which is my science class and by recommendation sounds AMAZING! History of Rock and Roll, Need I say it? :D Acting 1 which will definitely help the transition, and UC 1010 which will help me succeed for my first year :) As I said, very good schedule. And my earliest class starts at 10:45; this fact makes me appreciate not being in high school anymore among many many other reasons. So even though I was scared for college, I've learned to embrace the idea as a fantastic new adventure into the somewhat unknown. I seriously can't wait!

And the good news keeps on a'rollin in! I actually have caught up with a lot of the friends I thought I was sure to lose after they graduated, and it's been a blast! Late night talks at a coffee shop downtown, kickball, rescue the bitch-capture the hoe (capture the flag except with creepy dolls and a team of either listed in the title!) Puking in a 7-Eleven bathroom, Taco-Hell, and just in general knowing that all of them are alive. It secures me in a way to know that they haven't forgotten about little old me because I remember being so sad when they graduated and the gestures they've made to keep in contact mean that much more. Life is grand ladies and gents.

So not much else to tell other than give my playlist a listen; I mean a good listen. Because the music on there is really amazing. Also hope that the lives of others are going well. And finally I need to try and kick this bad habit of the not sleeping and such.

So with that I will say good night and have a pleasant tomorrow ;)

-Beth

P.S. I like the range of my blog posts from serious to pointless. :)

The Times They Are A-Changin’...

Bob Dylan said it well didn't he? Though 60% of the time no one understood what he said this statement was clear and ridiculously true! Few things in this world remain constant, look at the presidency---decades of white presidents and out of the blue America elects for change. The earth----ozone USE TO be there but we've simultaneously screwed it all up. People themselves rarely stay the same; there are theories in psychology, one in particular that I remember studying at the beginning of this year is personality defined by colors. My teacher, Fenn, was saying how there are four kind of people; gold, green, blue, and orange. Gold, the most responsible and maternal. Green, very intellectual and outspoken. Blue, sensitive and artistic. And Orange, the free spirit who parties. Anyway she was saying how you can be one of these personalities and within a matter of 5-10 years switch to your second most dominant color. My point being is that CHANGE itself is the constant, it's to be anticipated. But is anyone ever ready for it? (I would hope I'm not alone on this) I currently am at a crossroads of life; graduation from high school. I obviously knew it was coming, but it hit me the other night at senior wills and all I could think was where did the time go? The future is almost too unknown, college means real life. Full of student loans, exams, and living off of top ramon. Ok that last one was just what I've heard from friends, not necessarily real life. Then I've heard that college is just an extension of high school, ya like anyone really wants that.
What makes me contemplate this is not being a part of the drama department anymore. There are times where I've looked around my room at the show posters of the past four years and seen the faces, telling myself "they're gone, they're gone"...and now as I look at my Mother Hicks poster, it's me that's leaving. Life for me in high school was theater and I will be going into a foreign group of people. I guess I'm worried that I'll come out the other side not knowing what I'm doing or where I'm supposed to be going, that I won't feel the same as I did in high school. I tend to be a logical thinker which impedes on what I really want. I guess my genuine hope is that all this change won't overwhelm me and that I'll be happy.
It really is just a matter of acceptance now. Because obviously it's going to happen. I hope that life won't get too hectic and that I'll manage to maintain who I am in the face of realism. Wish me luck! Because I have 3 weeks left and one performance to go, which is going to be the hardest.

Until next time.
-Beth

Bombshell

Yesterday wasn't great to say the least. My mom went out to get the mail, she comes back in with a note from one of our landlords saying I'm going to sell the house. Now this might not sound like a big deal, but it was. We had previously made a deal with them, that they were not to list the house until the summer after I graduated. Well this obviously didn't phase them as they were forcing us into thinking of ourselves being homeless. My mom and I sat in the kitchen while she was on the phone talking to the only sympathetic landlords. They only said, "We'll try". That means pretty much nothing, "they'll try". Well we were both panic stricken, trying to think what we were going to do, thinking of how we were going to have to get rid of stuff since we probably couldn't afford a moving truck...problem after problem after problem. I have lived in this house my entire life, my mom for 20 years. So its only normal to be upset in this situation. Through the afternoon, I was thinking about where we would end up, about the house possibly getting demolished if a business bought it. These thoughts only brought tears to my eyes. And despite the efforts of my friends, I was still feeling helpless and miserable. Who wouldn't in that situation? I ended up at my friends' yard sale where I had an hour before put my bike up to be bought, I was trying to initiate the whole "getting rid of stuff"also thinking I could get a good price for it. While sitting there I could only think those sad thoughts, and when someone was offering to buy my bike, I decided I couldn't sell. I also figured that I ought to get back to my mom, she had to of needed me. So I biked the 3 blocks back, and there pulls up my neighbor(our house is a 3 unit living space, a studio which is his house, a basement, and the central area of the house which is our area). We start talking about the landlords letter, he precedes to tell me not to worry. This confuses me because of our situation. He says that our house won't sell because of the crappy condition it is in, admittedly he's right. The plumbing, the foundation, the wiring for the electricity...You name it, it more than likely needs fixing. This whole house would cost anyone too much to fix and its not zoned for a business thank god. This is the only time since it started that I was glad the economy is in the shape it is! My neighbor said that they'd be lucky to sell this house in 5 years, they're so greedy that they won't even take fair market value which is a little over 260,000, my great uncle 8 years ago offered that amount to buy the lot and he was going to pay in cash. They didn't accept. Anyway, after talking about the housing market and the house that is now titled thanks to our neighbor "Our piece of shit", our minds were put at ease. The house isn't going to sell for a while, so I'm safe for now. But since I'm looking at moving out of the house that I grew up in, I still feel saddened. I knew it had to happen eventually, and I'm aware of its condition, but after 18 years you tend to get attached. But I get to enjoy my last year with this house. My biggest hope is that a business won't buy it when the economy is back up. My opinion of this is that homes should stay exactly that, I know there is no stopping progress, but I would like to come back 20 years from now and see it still standing, being able to say that that was the house I grew up in. As opposed to the alternative of staring a another dog and cat grooming place or a travel agency. I don't mind stopping development if it keeps my best memories intact.

Midnight Mind Wandering

I am still wide awake, (as I have been consistantly all summer) and feeling pretty good about everything. I just finished a great book entitled "An Abundance of Katherines" by John Green. It was so great because it was entertaining, but at the same time, the ending of it made me think. Here's a rather long quote from the book about the main character; "And in that space, Collin thought, there was room enough to reinvent himself---room enough to make himself into something other than a prodigy, to remake his story better and different---room enough to be reborn again and again. A snake killer, an Archduke, a slayer of TOCs---a genius even. There was room enough to be anyone---anyone except whom he'd already been, for if Colin had learned thing from Gutshot, it's that you can't stop the future from coming. And for the first time in his life, he smiled thinking about the always-coming infinite future stretching out before him." That just really hit home with me :) It makes me not worry so much about what will happen in the future even if it turns out to be bad. The obvious thing is that it all happens for a reason, but the good news is that there is a long stretch of time for good things to happen. The future is exciting. This quote made me realize to calm the "fug" down :) (Two of the main characters say "fug" along with other variations of it in the book as a tribute to this author who had to clean up his language in a book to get it published.) The only thing to do is to BE excited. Ya, everything as of now is unknown. But I'm just looking for all the good things to happen to me, because they will. Life, as I believe, is meant to be lived. Maybe with some caution here and there, but living is the exciting part. As I have learned from this book, doing something crazy would be living well and bettering yourself! Thats my little bit of advice, maybe I'll even follow it! Who knows right?

Thats my final word for tonight, along with the strong recommendation of this book.
Remember friends, The purpose of life is to live :)

The 12th Year

It was only 3 years ago that I was just starting out in High School. Nothing has ever seemed as strange to me as this, I am one year from the real world. It's truly amazing how fast time passes, how much I've changed. Being at the beginning of the end, its difficult for me to imagine never being apart of my school again. In all honesty, I can't really think about it. Most are understandably excited to graduate and get away from the seemingly obnoxious and mundane experience of high school. I know I will be at some point, but I think of how much there is to do and only one year to do it in. Normally that would seem like plenty of time, but when you're looking at a one way trip to college it seems concise, like the ultimate deadline. All I'm saying is that its funny how we can take our time for granted. It seems like everything is moving so slowly, we drag our feet day in and day out, staring at the clock for a 90 minute duration just waiting for the school day to be over. What we fail to realize is how fast time is actually passing by. Its like you blink, and its gone. Thats where I currently am. I think the reason a year seems so short is how I've heard from everyone that Senior year is not only your best year, but its also your fastest. All there is to do is live it up and enjoy the ride. I will be working my butt off to be ready, but it will so be worth it. It won't hit me for a while after it happens, but when I get ready to put on that cap and gown, shake hands with the principal, and recieve my diploma for the past four years, I will have the sweet memories of high school running through my head the entire time. Here's to what is sure to be an incredible last year, the 12th year.