The Times They Are A-Changin’...

Bob Dylan said it well didn't he? Though 60% of the time no one understood what he said this statement was clear and ridiculously true! Few things in this world remain constant, look at the presidency---decades of white presidents and out of the blue America elects for change. The earth----ozone USE TO be there but we've simultaneously screwed it all up. People themselves rarely stay the same; there are theories in psychology, one in particular that I remember studying at the beginning of this year is personality defined by colors. My teacher, Fenn, was saying how there are four kind of people; gold, green, blue, and orange. Gold, the most responsible and maternal. Green, very intellectual and outspoken. Blue, sensitive and artistic. And Orange, the free spirit who parties. Anyway she was saying how you can be one of these personalities and within a matter of 5-10 years switch to your second most dominant color. My point being is that CHANGE itself is the constant, it's to be anticipated. But is anyone ever ready for it? (I would hope I'm not alone on this) I currently am at a crossroads of life; graduation from high school. I obviously knew it was coming, but it hit me the other night at senior wills and all I could think was where did the time go? The future is almost too unknown, college means real life. Full of student loans, exams, and living off of top ramon. Ok that last one was just what I've heard from friends, not necessarily real life. Then I've heard that college is just an extension of high school, ya like anyone really wants that.
What makes me contemplate this is not being a part of the drama department anymore. There are times where I've looked around my room at the show posters of the past four years and seen the faces, telling myself "they're gone, they're gone"...and now as I look at my Mother Hicks poster, it's me that's leaving. Life for me in high school was theater and I will be going into a foreign group of people. I guess I'm worried that I'll come out the other side not knowing what I'm doing or where I'm supposed to be going, that I won't feel the same as I did in high school. I tend to be a logical thinker which impedes on what I really want. I guess my genuine hope is that all this change won't overwhelm me and that I'll be happy.
It really is just a matter of acceptance now. Because obviously it's going to happen. I hope that life won't get too hectic and that I'll manage to maintain who I am in the face of realism. Wish me luck! Because I have 3 weeks left and one performance to go, which is going to be the hardest.

Until next time.
-Beth

Bombshell

Yesterday wasn't great to say the least. My mom went out to get the mail, she comes back in with a note from one of our landlords saying I'm going to sell the house. Now this might not sound like a big deal, but it was. We had previously made a deal with them, that they were not to list the house until the summer after I graduated. Well this obviously didn't phase them as they were forcing us into thinking of ourselves being homeless. My mom and I sat in the kitchen while she was on the phone talking to the only sympathetic landlords. They only said, "We'll try". That means pretty much nothing, "they'll try". Well we were both panic stricken, trying to think what we were going to do, thinking of how we were going to have to get rid of stuff since we probably couldn't afford a moving truck...problem after problem after problem. I have lived in this house my entire life, my mom for 20 years. So its only normal to be upset in this situation. Through the afternoon, I was thinking about where we would end up, about the house possibly getting demolished if a business bought it. These thoughts only brought tears to my eyes. And despite the efforts of my friends, I was still feeling helpless and miserable. Who wouldn't in that situation? I ended up at my friends' yard sale where I had an hour before put my bike up to be bought, I was trying to initiate the whole "getting rid of stuff"also thinking I could get a good price for it. While sitting there I could only think those sad thoughts, and when someone was offering to buy my bike, I decided I couldn't sell. I also figured that I ought to get back to my mom, she had to of needed me. So I biked the 3 blocks back, and there pulls up my neighbor(our house is a 3 unit living space, a studio which is his house, a basement, and the central area of the house which is our area). We start talking about the landlords letter, he precedes to tell me not to worry. This confuses me because of our situation. He says that our house won't sell because of the crappy condition it is in, admittedly he's right. The plumbing, the foundation, the wiring for the electricity...You name it, it more than likely needs fixing. This whole house would cost anyone too much to fix and its not zoned for a business thank god. This is the only time since it started that I was glad the economy is in the shape it is! My neighbor said that they'd be lucky to sell this house in 5 years, they're so greedy that they won't even take fair market value which is a little over 260,000, my great uncle 8 years ago offered that amount to buy the lot and he was going to pay in cash. They didn't accept. Anyway, after talking about the housing market and the house that is now titled thanks to our neighbor "Our piece of shit", our minds were put at ease. The house isn't going to sell for a while, so I'm safe for now. But since I'm looking at moving out of the house that I grew up in, I still feel saddened. I knew it had to happen eventually, and I'm aware of its condition, but after 18 years you tend to get attached. But I get to enjoy my last year with this house. My biggest hope is that a business won't buy it when the economy is back up. My opinion of this is that homes should stay exactly that, I know there is no stopping progress, but I would like to come back 20 years from now and see it still standing, being able to say that that was the house I grew up in. As opposed to the alternative of staring a another dog and cat grooming place or a travel agency. I don't mind stopping development if it keeps my best memories intact.

Midnight Mind Wandering

I am still wide awake, (as I have been consistantly all summer) and feeling pretty good about everything. I just finished a great book entitled "An Abundance of Katherines" by John Green. It was so great because it was entertaining, but at the same time, the ending of it made me think. Here's a rather long quote from the book about the main character; "And in that space, Collin thought, there was room enough to reinvent himself---room enough to make himself into something other than a prodigy, to remake his story better and different---room enough to be reborn again and again. A snake killer, an Archduke, a slayer of TOCs---a genius even. There was room enough to be anyone---anyone except whom he'd already been, for if Colin had learned thing from Gutshot, it's that you can't stop the future from coming. And for the first time in his life, he smiled thinking about the always-coming infinite future stretching out before him." That just really hit home with me :) It makes me not worry so much about what will happen in the future even if it turns out to be bad. The obvious thing is that it all happens for a reason, but the good news is that there is a long stretch of time for good things to happen. The future is exciting. This quote made me realize to calm the "fug" down :) (Two of the main characters say "fug" along with other variations of it in the book as a tribute to this author who had to clean up his language in a book to get it published.) The only thing to do is to BE excited. Ya, everything as of now is unknown. But I'm just looking for all the good things to happen to me, because they will. Life, as I believe, is meant to be lived. Maybe with some caution here and there, but living is the exciting part. As I have learned from this book, doing something crazy would be living well and bettering yourself! Thats my little bit of advice, maybe I'll even follow it! Who knows right?

Thats my final word for tonight, along with the strong recommendation of this book.
Remember friends, The purpose of life is to live :)

The 12th Year

It was only 3 years ago that I was just starting out in High School. Nothing has ever seemed as strange to me as this, I am one year from the real world. It's truly amazing how fast time passes, how much I've changed. Being at the beginning of the end, its difficult for me to imagine never being apart of my school again. In all honesty, I can't really think about it. Most are understandably excited to graduate and get away from the seemingly obnoxious and mundane experience of high school. I know I will be at some point, but I think of how much there is to do and only one year to do it in. Normally that would seem like plenty of time, but when you're looking at a one way trip to college it seems concise, like the ultimate deadline. All I'm saying is that its funny how we can take our time for granted. It seems like everything is moving so slowly, we drag our feet day in and day out, staring at the clock for a 90 minute duration just waiting for the school day to be over. What we fail to realize is how fast time is actually passing by. Its like you blink, and its gone. Thats where I currently am. I think the reason a year seems so short is how I've heard from everyone that Senior year is not only your best year, but its also your fastest. All there is to do is live it up and enjoy the ride. I will be working my butt off to be ready, but it will so be worth it. It won't hit me for a while after it happens, but when I get ready to put on that cap and gown, shake hands with the principal, and recieve my diploma for the past four years, I will have the sweet memories of high school running through my head the entire time. Here's to what is sure to be an incredible last year, the 12th year.

How are things?

All and all, everything's ok.
Productions is pretty awesome considering I have my first lead junior year :)
We're doing a play called "Mother Hicks" and guess who I am? Mother Hicks :b I'm really excited, but getting kind of worried because we have less than two months to rehearse this, we're doing our performances on the 15th, 16th, and 17th of January and Oh! The 16th is my birthday :D Some people have said that it would suck to have to perform on your birthday but honestly, I'm perfectly content. I'm really excited!
Also, starting this last weekend, I've promised myself that I'll have more of a social life and so far I'm doing pretty well.
Winter Formal was Saturday night and that is the most fun date I've been on, and its one where I was asked, imagine that :D Day activity was playing squash, long story short, I royally sucked!
But it was fine because it was enjoyable.
Dinner was great, and the dance was insane! We were up near the front, you know by the speakers, so our hearing got messed up. It got hot and my feet were killing me, but it was TOTALLY worth it. After activity, oh boy....We made gingerbread houses and ours...was...AMAZING. Any conceivable piece of candy or uh...brownie or popcorn :b was on our house. We do have plans to give it an honorable send off, but before that, We transferred it to Steven's house. I'm was surprised that it made it because it was such a "brick", that we had to use these wafer things to hold up the roof, by the time we got to his house, there was one wafer support left.....sad thing isn't it? But it was awesome.
So that's whats been up with me. I hope that someday my blog will actually be read :b

That is all.

I realized today...

This year, is going to be awesome. I've been reconnecting with theater buds that I didn't think I'd be seeing outside of school this summer, but low and behold I had an awesome night hanging out with a smallish group of them and it just renewed my faith in theater, school, friends and such. AND I'm in a little thing called....PRODUCTIONS! That I am especially excited for and just how mellow and smooth things will hopefully, probably be like in the drama department this year, yes!

This last year, HECTIC-DRAMATIC-KIND-OF-PIECE-O-CRAP-AT-TIMES. It's true, this last year I ALMOST didn't sign up to do theater and If I really hadn't,I'd be kicking myself mentally right now and be upset as hell. SO thanks to all of my buds who took the liberty of spreading the word and just telling me that I was doing it even if I didn't want to, I really appreciate you guys.

So keeping this one short, I just am psyched and say that I'm ready for Jr. year and whatever it may hold for me.
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(P.S. Does anyone even read this? Just curious, only ONE comment and it's from someone I don't even know, come on guys really :)

When You Think "What if..."

There are always things you want redo, like saying something differently, or bad things that could've been avoided if only you knew before, regrets in other words. This is a road of travel that I'm particularly familiar with. I'm always living in the past. Something great will come my way and then go and yet I'll cling to it for a year or two thinking what I could've done better, just holding on to something that wasn't even that big but seems bigger in your head. What if I could redo this?
For example, Take 5 "07". I swore that I would never come down from that cloud, it was kind of my break from the norm, I was doing something different and the rush I got from it was indescribable. I was apart of something and truly felt welcome and accepted, it felt like a tight group of friends that just from watching each other grow, that right there made up a family. Well god, if I didn't think that was the greatest thing EVER. I would bring it up to my old director and others around me and just say, wasn't that the greatest Take 5? I will admit, it defiantly made me stick with theater because of that feeling of acceptance and also put me way out of my comfort zone, this was great. But I held on to it until the next Take 5 and after that, it just didn't seem like a big deal. But constantly, I toyed with the thought of how I could have made my part better, said my lines differently, and then I'd begin to doubt that It was ever a big deal at all and that I didn't do as well as I thought I did.
It's things like that that I'm afraid of losing, like I'll never feel that way again.
Well now I come to, What if I had said this better?I was talking to my friend one night and said something big that later I wanted to die for. I felt like THE biggest idiot. I swear, I must have thought over what I was going to say a million times a day, but it just didn't come out the way I wanted it to. I start thinking, maybe I thought it over too much? I was at a loss for words where the most important things I wanted to say should've been. Well probably, but I felt like a fool and wished I had said something sooner, not said it at all? I just didn't know. After I had said it, I was really sad with the end result, but realized that I did pretty good considering the circumstances. But I still couldn't help thinking, What if I had said it differently? Would things be different, or even better for our friendship now? It's the one thing that I really wish I could've had a second shot at.
Finally, the thought always raging in my head...What if I could go back with the knowledge I have now? This one is a constant struggle for me because I have two different ways I go about it. My dad passed away in August of 2001 when I was eight. My wish ever since then is that I could have him back, even though now I am competent enough to realize that won't be a reality. I wonder if maybe I had known somehow, and if there was some way to go back to that night, could I have saved him? This is among the most typical thought for people I imagine when they lose those that they love. I think that because I want him back, he was my dad after all. But really, if given the chance, would I? If he was still alive, I wouldn't be who I am or for that matter, where I am entirely today. My parents would probably be divorced, and I think that would've messed me up more. If he was still here, I'd be completely different and wouldn't have what do. So as harsh as it is, maybe it was better that he's gone. As much as I want him back, I can't have him back anyway and he is also no longer in pain, he's at peace. And that there is what kills me. Two different ways I could turn, the will I? The I won't. I flip back and forth between this, and I honestly don't know what I'd rather have. The life I have now, or a life with my dad. I've always held on to the wish of seeing him again someday, always held onto it a little too tight. But that really is what I do. I'm afraid of moving on, letting go, and leaving well enough alone.
I know eventually I move on, I just want it to go faster! :)
So what if......you fill it in. Maybe whom ever who is reading this doesn't think that enough. Well toy with it, but not too much or you'll hang on to things past as well. I will admit though,
It's strange and fascinating to think about those alternate turns, but also in the end, to be happy with life as it has played out so far, it's not over yet.