Ta-Da! My First Song :)

Well friends, I'm feeling pretty damn good :)
Thanks to my marvelously talented friend Selja, I tried writing lyrics again.
And I'm really stoked!

I never really took writing that seriously as far as songs/music just because I felt my lyrics weren't good enough and they lacked originality.

Well as you will recall, my last post I was feeling pretty crappy. But out of that, came my first song! Intense emotions certainly help the flow of creative juices!

So for obvious reasons, I will be treading lightly as far as releasing my song/lyrics. Until I'm sure it's safe (copyright and what not) Then I will be more than happy to post a video of me performing it for those of you who stumble onto my blog page :)

I'm so excited for my friends to hear it.
And I think I made my dad proud. Love ya old man, this song is for you.

Until next time :)
-Beth

Old Scars Never Truly Heal. (At least not for me)

There are things we never forget.

Things that hurt us way back.

People who hurt us, and to this day have no idea how badly we can torment ourselves over
something that to anyone else would be easy to move on from.

And the things that reopen said wounds, are seemingly meaningless, but to someone like me,
could mean the end of my happiness altogether.
I used "we" before but of course I'm referring to myself.
Just when I think I've coped with the one thing that loomed over me for too long, a very stupid
thing I might add, I am set off, as if to test me, to see if I'm lying to myself or some shit like that. Back to feeling old pain.
I know it's easy for people to convince themselves that they are ok. But what does ok mean? Wearing a fake smile and being "happy" when really inside you're all torn up in ways you
thought weren't possible.
Truth will supposedly set us free right? Well maybe it's time I took that to heart. Of course
though, I wouldn't do that through a blog. One's full problem is to themselves, not to the world. (If that makes sense.) But I will be vague.

Since we met, I was blown away. I always thought how amazing it was that any one person could sink into me like that. The next year, you gave me a gift. Something amazing that I still think about and feel that same warmth inside, as if it were happening all over again. But then come the next year, I would feel so low that I wonder if I will ever pull through, as if I'm standing in the street, vulnerable, and then I'm hit. The next year, I don't see you and it gets easier to let go, though I say I will always have a special place in my heart for you, it is still filled with sadness and the thought; what's wrong with me. Recently, you described a "hell" you went through and I listened. As I listened, the things that hurt you were the things you did to me not so long ago, and I can't help but be angry that you still haven't connected the dots. Now it comes to this, and to think that I am fortified, strong, rebuilt...is foolish. I see you in that small way that would ruin me all over again though I would conceal it from the others so not to show how badly hurt I am, so as to just let it out when I'm alone as always, suffer in silence. Now my thoughts are clouded with anger, not at you though. More than anything, I'm angry with myself that I would let you, who doesn't see me whatsoever, get to me after so long. It's shit. I pride myself on my strength, but it fails me. Because I can't allow myself to be free.

I wish I could be more like you. So that when I look at you, I would feel nothing.
That's how I imagine you feel when you see me.

That's all I can say right now.
Sorry if this bums you out, but as always thanks for reading.
It's relieving in a way.
Not the biggest way, but with each small bit of relief, maybe I'll get there eventually.

Night. Until next post.
-Beth

*SONG OF THE MONTH*
"Blue Eyes" by Timmy Curran
(Sets a happier tone)

AND THE WINNER IS....

ROGUE!!!!





















And I have my costume ordered! :)

A rogue costume was hard to find...so I settled on a black widow costume, it was the closest I could get. Unfortunately, I had to go the "Anna Paquine" route, but that's ok!
I get my dream costume!

Thank you all for helping me decide!
I'll be sure to post pictures when I get it!

More posts to come.
Until then!
-Beth

Top Ten-SONGS

TOP TEN FAVORITE SONGS

10. "Hate Me" by Blue October

9. "To Sheila" by The Smashing Pumpkins

8. "Home" by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros

7. "Don't Fear The Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult

6. "Fire" by Bruce Springsteen

5. "Name" by The Goo Goo Dolls

4. "She Moves in Her Own Way" by The Kooks

3. "New Slang" The Shins

2. "Hotel California" by The Eagles

1. "I'm Looking Through You" by The Beatles

And there you have it folks!

Until next post.

-Beth

An evening with Spike Lee

"All directors are storytellers, so the motivation was to tell the story I wanted to tell. That's what I love."

-Spike Lee

Last night I was fortuned to be in a lecture hosted by the director Spike Lee. A director of whom I had only heard of and I got a ticket to go just for participating in class. For those of you who are like me and didn't really know who he was or had a preconceived notion that he was of asian decent because of his name, allow me to clue you in.

Spike Lee is a black director from Brooklyn, New York who grew up through the end of the civil rights movement. A lot of his movies focus on the basis of racial tension. Most recently, he has done documentaries on Hurricane Katrina and the effects of the BP Oil Spill on the gulf.

While I haven't had the chance to see his movies, his words gave me a real feel for what he's all about. He said that the problem with a divide between class and race, he also said that even though we are uncomfortable with discussing race, it is necessary because it we keep avoiding it, the world will never change. He spoke about how his films had come under fire, thinking that they would cause a riot in the community, but how he stuck to his guns because of the necessity of it all. The biggest thing that stuck out was how he talked about media and the effect it can have. That is why we have many stereotypes today such as "indians are savages". Media created this, so he tried using media as a means of being brutally honest with america.

It was a rewarding experience to hear what he had to say and I have an appreciation for what he does like all those who I was among.

I plan on watching some of his films. I recommend that you do too!

Thanks, as always, for reading.

Until next post.

-Beth

Tops Ten-Things That Make Me Smile

This is my first top ten whatevers, so lets get this show on the road!

*TOP TEN THINGS THAT MAKE ME SMILE*

10. Saying Brian like, "BRRRRIIIIAAAANNN."

9. A little kid saying that I look pretty

8. Buying some new threads!

7. A new comfy pillow!

6. Yoga :)

5. A good audition

4. An old friend hitting me up to hang out

3. Finding new music, new songs to listen to

2. Getting my braces off!

1. Feeling like a kid again

Thanks for reading!

And now to end this post, enjoy this ever so disturbing video about things that make this Ferret smile!

Until next post

-Beth

Thank You Danny Trejo & Robert Rodriguez

"THEY JUST MESSED WITH THE WRONG MEXICAN."

MACHETE


A fake promo in the movie "Grindhouse" it was totally not meant to be taken seriously,

until It was turned into a full length film with an amazing cast of actors.

Wow. Haha. And Daaammmmn. This movie was great in my opinion and here's why.

While this movie was admittedly, pretty ridiculous, it had a serious point to make about the system and it's failure to work for those who are searching for a better life, immigrants.

So that made this movie pretty powerful when (SPOILER ALERT) The migrant workers, and all others put aside their differences to band together at the end. Jessica Alba makes a point in the
movie when she says "We didn't cross the border. The border crossed us."
Lots of critics would give this movie a negative review, but it would be because they didn't get it.

Not only did this movie effectively make that point, it was funny as hell.
My favorite quote, "Isn't it funny that we let any mexican with gardening tools into our home?" This movie was filled with corny lines and funny situations. Not to mention Lindsey Lohan got payed to be herself, a cracked out media whore. HAHAHA :D Funny stuff

OH OH. And best thing about this movie, Machete being a ladies man. You watch him scoring knowing that the Danny in real life would never get that much action!

BAHAHAHAHAHA!

Lastly-
Blood, gore, rolling heads, more blood...AWESOME.
I honestly didn't expect it to be that graphic but if you like this stuff, see this movie.
What more can I say? haha!

My only complaint---Steven Seagal. WHY?! GRRRROOOOAAAAN.
He is the world's most horrible actor who was trying to be a Mexican Druglord?
Jesus that was painful. The best thing he does in the movie comes at the end.
Won't ruin it for you! ;)

OK so final rating in the classic star system 1-4,
3 1/2.
Without Steven Seagal, it would be a 4, haha :)

This movie is just kick ass. Give it a see, will ya?
And so concludes my first movie review!

COMING SOON
My next post :)

-Beth

INK

So I had kind of an epiphany the other day!

For a year now I've been trying to figure out what to get for my first tattoo.
I first was thinking the Om Sign which is beautiful!
Here's a picture for those who may not know what it looks like...

So see, pretty cool right? But the problem was that I wanted my tattoo to be special and everybody was starting to get it so that went out the window.

Then I was thinking Eeyore because, come on, he's a badass. But of course I asked myself if I would want Eeyore for the rest of my life and well, the answer was pretty obvious. It seemed duuumb.

I just really want a tattoo that means something, and then it hit me!

My dad :)

He had this great handwriting and I always loved how he wrote his intials,

SO I want to take a copy of how he wrote R.T.S and get it tattooed on my shoulder.

It would be a great way to honor him and for me to get my ink :)

I am set on this because it would just mean a lot, so does anyone have a recommedation of where to get it?

Thanks for reading.

:)

Until next time!

-Beth

Complexities

Did anyone expect life when you're older to entail this much?
I know I didn't, I was a free-wheeling-half-crazed child...god I miss that.
This month has been beyond me if that makes sense. I feel like I'm drifting through everyday.
Its all so much to take in at once, and when you're someone like me, who feels like they should always have it together and then ultimately loses it, life is just like driving through thick fog. You can't see what's ahead and you just try to get through it as fast as possible hoping that soon you'll be in the clear.
I'm feeling not myself and I now ask this question;
Was who I was before me? Or is this feeling trying to jolt me awake to see who I really am?
Maybe this is just nerves but as I said, it feels endless.
Big decisions always get me like this; there's a long feeling of sadness, then nothing.
Weird right?
Well it just takes time. Time for some re-discovery, scary shit let me tell you.

That's all I have to say for now.
Until next time.

-Beth

*SONG OF THE MONTH*
"Society" by Eddie Vetter
(New thing I'm doing)

The worst thing you can do...

...Is hurt someone you care about. But life is sad like that, it's unpredictable and you sometimes can't help how you feel.
I can't even begin to say how much I hate myself for what happened and I'm so sorry.
I hope someday you can forgive me.

-Beth